Throughout my life, I have always been fascinated with why people are the way they are. Why they do some of the things they do. You see perfect examples of needless risk taking and utter stupidity on YouTube daily, leading you to shake your head in utter disbelief while saying… “What were these people thinking?”
I ask myself these same questions when it comes to the bully. Why and what happened in their lives led them to become one.
The bully begins at a young age. Why I believe they are the way they are I’ll get into later. but here’s one interesting aspect. Think about this for a minute. Try to remember your elementary school days and think about the bullies you had to deal with. You’ll admit, you knew who the school bullies were right off the bat. Somehow, you could tell who they were and you were right most of the time. Could have been a look or the way they acted.
Years later, you might hear about an old classmate who ended up in prison convicted of a horrible offense. You think to yourself…. “I always had a feeling about that person. Guess I was right.”
When I was in the fourth grade – we had such a bully. And after all these years, I still remember his name. You could just tell he was a bad egg. Something just wasn’t right. He disrupted the class – picked fights on the playground, etc. About 30 years later – I found myself back in the town where I attended elementary school and was able to find one of my old classmates. During our reminiscing about the good old days, I asked if he knew what ever became of the bully. Believe it or not, he remembered his name also.
He replied that as far as he knew, he was still in prison. I was not in the least surprised with his answer and asked if he knew what he was in for? He said he [the bully] was convicted of raping an 80 year old woman. I could only respond with “WOW!.”
I’m certain this will not be the inevitable future for every young bully in the US, but it will be the outcome for many.
Ok, so…. how does someone become a bully?
Environment and family play the primary role. The collapse of the family unit and by extension, neglect and/or the lack of positive male and female role models in the developing life of a child.
There is a difference between parenting and babysitting but in many instances that’s what parents have become. Nothing more than babysitters. They make sure their children are fed and clothed and at the first sign of a child learning how to push a button, a cell phone or tablet with games installed on them are placed in the child’s lap to keep them entertained and quiet for the day. That is NOT parenting.
What has to take place in order to create a bully?
Questions:
1. Is it a learned thing or inherent? Is there a “bully gene” out there we somehow missed?
2. Are bullies more likely to come from single parent families?
3. Are bullies more likely to come from single child families?
4. Are bullies more likely to come from families where one of the parents was a bully when they were a child?
The answer to all of the above questions is. to some degree….. yes. With emphasis on questions 1 – 2 and 4
They say that “who” a person is – is pretty much established by the time they are 5 years old. Everything that happens after that is more learned than inherent. Like I said in the beginning of this article, we all knew who the bully was in fourth grade. So, by the age of 9 or 10 the problems existing in the child’s life have manifested into visible behaviors. But the subtle signs were there much earlier.
By the time the bully has reached middle school – their identities are pretty much locked into place. And that’s fine with them because they no longer care. Now that is a sad comment when it comes to a kid who has his or her whole life ahead of them. You see some of these kids doing horrific things to other people and one of the first questions we ask ourselves is, why are they [children] willing to throw their lives away at such a young age? What happens in a child’s life to make them no longer care about their own futures? Is there anything we can do about it or is it too late.
There’s an old saying. There’s no such thing as bad kids – just bad parents. There’s a lot of truth to that statement. And the first 5 years of a child’s life is what’s most important.
Who do we blame for the bully of today?
1. The parent[s]?
2. Peers and Peer pressure?
3. Social media?
4. Society as a whole?
Again – mental disorders not withstanding – the answer is….. Yes, to all of the above. With the caveat being – in a certain order. We’ll go with the first.
Parent[s]
Lack of love, positive attention and reinforcement.
Our first teachers are our parents. They are responsible for the basics of development, behavior, love, compassion, the difference between right and wrong and the Golden Rule. To treat others as we would like to be treated.
All children love attention from their parents. And whether it’s negative or positive – they’ll take what they can get and act accordingly in order to get it. On top of which – if negative attention is primary, children will eventually see it as normal. You keep telling a child he or she is bad, their response will eventually be – “you think I’m bad now, let me show you how bad I can be.”
Parent’s plant the seed of how children view themselves. It is not only their job but their responsibility to do their best in raising their child or children to grow up to be the very best they can be in regards with themselves, in regards to those closest to them and in society. The more they neglect their duties in their roles as parents, the more their (the child’s) peers will gain a foothold in their children[s] lives.
What’s important to remember is that it doesn’t matter if your rich or poor. Bullies come from all walks of life. The common thread is in how they are raised. The rich kid who has everything can just as easily become a bully as the poor kid who has nothing if they are equally neglected.
Peers and Peer pressure.
I believe this is one of (if not) the main reasons why many parents choose to home school their children. Because they don’t want their children subjected to the results of poor parenting by others. Children are impressionable. They will mimic what they see especially at the age where they are constantly testing boundaries. It’s difficult enough trying to teach a child within the family unit without having the addition of dealing with what a child learned from a daycare or a 30 student classroom.
You can’t blame the schools as I’m certain they are doing the best with the resources they are given. What you have to remember is with a class of 20 to 30 children you have a teacher trying to deal with 20 to 30 different ways these children are being raised. Most good. Some – not so good. And it’s the not so good ones that leave an impression on very impressionable kids.
This is also how gangs are formed. Kids are aware (probably more than you would imagine) of the life they are experiencing because they have their surroundings to compare it to. Television, other children in school and so on. They can tell whether or not the way they live is comparable to the way they view others lives.
If their life is filled with negativity, complacency and neglect, they will seek out like minded peers in order to have a place to go and interact with those who understand what they’re going through and get the attention they so desperately need. To reinforce their anger and envy for not having the life others have. And come to the conclusion that if they can’t have that life – they will punish those who do as retribution.
No matter what the reason – this is the primary goal of the bully. To punish those who have what they don’t. If they are miserable, then they are going to make sure others are just as miserable. If they don’t have what they feel they deserve – then they will take it. Most importantly, being around others who feel the same way gives them a sense of belonging.
On a side note – I want to add that there are instances where some are bullied into becoming bullies themselves.
Social media.
The social media bully is a different animal. At least with the schoolyard bully, one had the opportunity to avoid them. And it was generally limited to while you were at school.
Not so with the social media bully. You were stuck with them whether you liked it or not because if they couldn’t get to you personally, they could via your friends.
Social media created a brand new crop of bullies. It became more mental bullying than physical. And it could be accomplished at anytime. No longer relegated to school hours. But the main difference between the schoolyard bully and the social media bully is that while the bully at school did so to punish others for that which they felt they didn’t have. The main reason for social media bullying is that they believe it’s fun.
The pain of someone else brings them pleasure. They could target anyone they pleased for any reason. What ever response the bully received – good or bad – so much the better. In responding to a bully, you acknowledge their existence. They GOT to you. They didn’t care how you responded – just as long as you did. Mission accomplished. And now it’s not just one bully – it’s a group of bullies targeting one individual.
They bully with words. lies, insults, slurs, accusations and they don’t stop until the one they are bullying has been completely stripped of all dignity and self worth. Some to the point of a breakdown or worse, suicide. At the very least, it’s verbal abuse – at the very most, it’s pure unadulterated torture.
Society as a whole.
While “Society” will always say, “No one likes a Bully”, you have to ask yourself, if that’s true, why are there so many of them? And it’s now gone way beyond the schoolyard. You see it all over colleges and universities, all over YouTube and Social Media, all over the political landscape and on MSM.
One of the answers is that discord is profitable. Discord is click bait. Chaos is fun to watch. Look at the comment section of just about any website or video and there will be plenty of trolls making comments for the sole purpose of trying to anger (or trigger) someone else who is commenting.
What was once the lone schoolyard bully punishing whoever happened to be available at the time for their lot in life, we now have whole factions of people bullying other factions of people just because they don’t happen to share the same view as they do.
Critical thinking – reason – logic – common sense and civil discourse no longer have a role in trying to persuade someone to reconsider their point of view. In fact – our society has gotten to the point where it doesn’t matter. Either believe the way I do or you become the enemy. And because you are the enemy – I am perfectly within my rights to do as I please. If you try to ask why, their only defense seems to be…… “because” – and they have no desire to discuss it further. And these are adults, not 7 year old kids. What kind of impression does that make on the minds of children when they constantly see bullying in one form or another on a daily basis.
What’s the solution?
Whether it’s the bully, or the one being bullied, the solution lies within the family unit. Primarily with the parents. Then again – when it comes to the bully, that’s where the primary problem is as well.
The Bully
The Bully is really pissed off about something. Let’s face it, happy kids living in relatively happy families usually don’t turn out to be bullies. Interestingly enough – when a child is asked why he is bullying other children his first response will be… “I don’t know.” Although, that’s usually the first response from just about any kid when confronted by an adult with something he’s told he should not be doing.
But the fact remains that the Bully is angry and expresses their anger in the only way a child knows how. Lashing out. And he or she will continue to do so until what ever they’re angry about has been addressed.
The responsibly lies with the parents. If no help can be found there then it’s up to the immediate family, then the Church, perhaps the community as well. If all else fails – the last resort belongs to the authorities. In some cases – the authorities should be involved first.
Parents have to stop being babysitters and begin parenting. If they don’t know how then there is a wealth of information on the internet to at the very least get them started in a positive direction.
If they find themselves unable to make a difference in their child’s behavior then they have to seek out help from either their Church or other community programs that offer assistance in these matters. You can’t simply turn a blind eye to this. You can’t just hand the child another video game or toy to keep him quietly pacified while they’re in your presence. It’s when the child is not in the presence of the parent, that is when the emotional problems of the child are revealed through their behavior. When parents are told about this from outside sources such as the school or neighbors then they must take this seriously. Just because you don’t see it in your own home doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
While hindsight is always 20/20, it also means that it’s usually too late for the one being looked at. The signs are always there. Time to start seeing them.
The one being bullied.
While the excuse could be made from a parent that they have tried everything in regards to their child’s behavior. The parent of a bullied child has no excuse whatsoever. As there are signs that a child has become or is becoming a bully, there are also signs of a child being bullied. If the child is in fact being bullied and the parent is not doing everything in their power to stop it, the consequences are on them.
Communication is everything.
If your child is being bullied, you’ll know it. While I’d be the first to admit that there are exceptions to every rule, I would find it difficult to believe that any parent would use the excuse, “I had no idea.” Any parent who does is just admitting they play no role in their child’s life.
Talk to your kids, if you find out that they are being bullied at school or online by other kids then there are steps you can take.
1. Communicate with the school.
If no resolution is found….
2. Communicate with the bully’s parents.
If no resolution is found….
3. Find a lawyer.
If no resolution is found….
4. Remove your child from the school.
When we as parents choose to do nothing, or not everything in our power to solve a bullying problem, whether it’s the bully or the one being bullied, the price we pay could be life itself.
and 20/20 hindsight won’t bring them back.
