Question:
What should you do if your partner is not sure if they are ready to put their guard down? If they have been hurt over the years they stop trusting in people and go into the relationship not ready to give their all.
Response:
Thanks for your question.
Without knowing that particulars involved, I can only respond to the knowledge I have. The response I give will be incredibly subjective and depends on MANY factors.
1. How long have you been together?
2. Did it begin as a casual friendship and after awhile, it turned into more.
3. Had you both been single for awhile and free from past relationships? Or were there still issues – emotional or otherwise – stemming from a past relationship?
There is an old saying which I do NOT believe in, but many seem to. “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” Totally wrong and is a disaster waiting to happen. Especially if “one” of the two has been single for awhile and has no emotional baggage from past relationships. Jumping in and out of relationships, for whatever reason, is never a good thing.
4. Do you both consider your relationship as one with a future? Meaning, how serious is the relationship?
So let’s assume for the sake of this response, that you’ve been together for at least one year. You both love each other and you both feel the relationship is a serious one. The only real issue you have at the moment is that you feel that he’s holding back emotions which are keeping the relationship you have from progressing.
Let’s address the first part about letting one’s guard down. (Man’s point of view)
In the beginning of any new relationship, the degree to how high we place our guard depends on our past relationships and how they ended. Meaning, if the relationship ended because both started moving in different directions, and was an amicable ending, ones guard would be significantly lower than someone who was totally burned.
There’s another old saying… “Once bitten, twice shy”
Twice bitten? Three times?
That “guard” gets higher and higher.
However, there comes a point in any relationship when you know each other well enough to know that what ever happened in his past relationship(s) is not going to happen between you both.
Keeping one’s guard up in a relationship where there is no reason to do so can eventually sabotage the relationship. So, your job is to find out why. And the only one who can answer that question is him. If his guard is still up after this much time…. believe me, there is a reason.
With the issue of “Trust”? Same as above. In fact, The lack of trust in a relationship is the reason why we have our walls…. or, “guard” (Basically the same thing) in the first place. We don’t let our guard down because we don’t trust. Either we don’t trust ourselves and the choices/decisions we make, or, we think in the back of our minds that the relationship we’re in will eventually end up like the relationships before. Failed. Therefore, why trust? Which again, can be damaging to a relationship.
The bottom line is…. I call it… “The Fine Print”
We spend so much time trying to fall in love with someone, that in many instances, we don’t really know if that person is truly what we want. Relationships are nothing more than two people fulfilling each others expectations of what each wants from love, and a relationship. Believe it or not… it IS that simple. The trouble with that is, most times, we fall in love not knowing what the others expectations actually are. You know… the important stuff.
That is the “Fine Print”
In my humble opinion, the moment someone confesses their love, there should be no walls and complete trust. I would expect that from the woman I love and she should expect that from me. When you have complete trust and no walls and you are fulfilling each others expectations, you’re giving your all.
If there are still walls and a lack of trust, then I believe a conversation is in order.
Trust comes from a combination of Communication and Honesty! You need to have both to create Trust. Not only in each other, but in the relationship.
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