When rescuing someone from your past, costs you your future.
This is more of a “Guy Thing,” although, I am certain there are women out there who have found themselves in similar circumstances. But, for the sake of this article, the Rescuer will be a man in regards to a relationship. The back story will fill you in on all the details.
All of us – at some point in our lives have had, or will be required to make difficult decisions that will involve someone we care for or cared for at one time. It could be a good friend, a relative or lover. And the result of such a decision could very well cost us the relationship we have with that person. In many cases – it’s a catch 22. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
All difficult decisions come with a price tag. Could be money, could be emotional, could be the relationship we have with the person involved. In most instances – we can afford to make such decisions while other decisions can cost us our futures. They are life changing decisions that we – as the decision maker – can’t walk away from once the decision has been made.
I know what you’re thinking…..
“Just tell us the story!!”
ok, here we go.
Before we begin – I should point out that the characters in the following story are close, long time friends of mine. Therefore, I am personally aware of what you’re about to read. The names have been changed.
John and Karen had been dating for almost 2 years. Their relationship turned rocky when Karen admitted to John that she will never be the kind of woman John wanted. Karen also had a problem with drinking and would occasionally become – for lack of a better term – embarrassing – at parties they would attend. But – let’s begin at the real beginning.
John, an intelligent, 27 year old man has made some poor choices in women in his past. One resulting in a failed marriage when he found out that 2 weeks after the wedding, his new bride was cheating on him with his best friend. Needless to say, the marriage was annulled and he decided to get his life on the right track. Go back to school and get a degree that will lead to a career.
On a side note – I believe it’s important to add that his first wife was an attractive young woman who didn’t have a very good relationship with her parents whom she was living with up until the time they married.
John revealed after the annulment that his main reason for the marriage was he believed she was pregnant with his child. Which turned out not to be the case.
More importantly, the marriage was conducted in secret. Especially in regards to John’s father, who found out about it while on business in another state. This was because John knew his father would have done his best to convince him he was about to make a terrible mistake and John just didn’t want to hear it.
Because he did believe she was pregnant and having no viable way of supporting a young wife and child on the way, John decided to join the service. It wasn’t because he wanted to, it was because he felt he had no other options, it was a steady paycheck and in his mind, was the “right” thing to do.
It wasn’t until he was made painfully aware of his young brides infidelities and the fact that she wasn’t pregnant, he realized that he was now stuck in a miserable situation he had absolutely no desire being in (meaning, the military.) One that would cost him the next `4 years of his life.
But the Gods were smiling down on John. During a training session, John became ill with a bad case of pneumonia. During his recovery, it was discovered he had a medical condition while not affecting him physically was just enough to allow him to be discharged.
He called his father with whom he had lived with most of his life telling him the news and asking him if he could come home.
John’s father, who himself had failed marriages in his past, (including his last marriage to John’s mother) decided to for go any further relationships so he could devote his time doing the best job he could raising his son. He did his best to learn from the mistakes he made in his past relationships and tried to pass this knowledge on to John. Some stuck, some didn’t.
Knowing what all had transpired which placed John in the position he was now in, his father was reluctant to allow John to move back home. There was a large part of him who wanted to say, “You made your bed, you sleep in it.” But, he was also John’s’ dad, who knew his son was miserable. It’s difficult to see anyone’s child in such a predicament knowing one had the power to change it.
So again, VERY reluctantly – John’s’ father allowed his son to move back home. BUT – there were conditions John would have to agree to before doing so. First, he had to either get the marriage annulled or get divorced. Second, he would have to go back to school to learn a trade or get a degree in order to begin a career to achieve independence.
John quickly agreed to all of his fathers’ conditions and moved home.
Not long after moving back home, John and his wife began discussing the divorce. She did her best to try and talk him out of it. Promising never to cheat on him again, that she would change her behavior and be the best wife she could be. All she wanted was another chance to prove this to him. John began to have second thoughts about the divorce but also knew there would be no way his father would allow his wife live in his house. Especially after what John had agreed to in order to move home.
His wife’s parents eventually offered to allow John to live with them until he could find a job so they could both get their own place.
The day came where John had to tell his father about his plan on living with his wife’s parents. Needless to say, his father was furious. He had only one response. If John moves out this time, he will not – under any circumstances be allowed to move back.
For the second time – the Gods were smiling down on John, for just days before the moved was to take place, John found out that his wife was still cheating on him with his best friend. John finally came to his senses and the move never happened.
John had dodged two life changing bullets in one year.
In the next two years, John begins to get his act together. He goes back to school and gets a part time job to help with the added expense with living with his dad. The women he meets during this time is primarily through a free online dating service. Most turn out to be fruitless until…….
Back to Karen….
John met Karen on a free online dating service. She, like John’s ex-wife had a tumultuous relationship with her parents whom she was living with. Karen is an attractive young twenty-something who lives her life on Facebook. John’s and Karen’s’ relationship – as with all new relationships – was wonderful. John considered himself lucky to have such an attractive young woman interested in him.
When Karen was younger – she moved out of her parents house when she could no longer abide by the rules her parents made for her to continue living with them. At the time – her looks – were they only thing she thought were of any value, so she decided to create a profile on a “Sugar Daddy” type website. She met much older men who gave her a place to live and “Gifts” in exchange for her favors. This didn’t last long as she came to the realization this type of life was not working out as she imagined.
She was allowed to move back in with her parents (again, with conditions) and it wasn’t long before the relationship became rocky again. But this time, she had John.
Karen was like the first few times it took you four hours to go to Disneyland. At first – the long trip was more than worth it! Everything was beautiful, loads of fun, all the rides were open and you were treated wonderfully. But as time wore on, the trip became laborious, half the rides were closed and every time you went became more expensive. But it didn’t matter because it was still beautiful.
Karen loved attention, and used her looks to get it by chronicling her life on Facebook. She loved all the comments – good or bad. She’s the kind of woman men love to be around just as long as you never became emotionally attached.
She also had a drinking problem. When she drank – two things happened. First – she became much more open with her behavior (as many women do when intoxicated) and became more honest about how she truly felt about herself, her life and those who were involved in it.
There were times when she told John he’s wasting his time with her. That she would never be the kind of woman John wanted in his life. Other times, she revealed if she ever met a man (no matter what the age) who could give her a better living situation, she would leave John in a heartbeat.
Even after all this, John still clung on to hope, that she would eventually change. Karen never got the better deal so she remained with John. But never did change in the way John wanted. As she admitted she wouldn’t.
Until one day, one of Johns’ friends broke some devastating news.
Karen had cheated on him.
John refused to believe the accusation. Karen had said no cheating ever took place. His friend said he had absolute proof and shared this information with John. When John confronted Karen with this evidence, she had no other choice than to tell the truth. She had cheated on him.
Now you would think this kind of betrayal would be enough for John to never want to see Karen again, but they decided to turn what was once the kind of relationship John hoped would lead to marriage, into a “friends with benefits” situation. Because in Johns’ mind, he had to hate someone to end all further contact with them. A week later – he caught her lying again and the hatred finally kicked in.
It ended. John was sure he’d never hear from Karen again. Another relationship chalked up to poor choices.
What was happen next John never imagined would happen.
About four months after the end of their relationship, during which time John resumed meeting women from the online dating website, although nothing became of it, John received a phone call.
It was Karen.
“I’m pregnant” she says.
John replies…. “Is it mine?”
Karen responds with… “It could be.”
She wasn’t sure, according to Karen, It could be between 3 men, (including John.)
To add insult to injury, Karen told John she had to move out of the house she was living in soon and had nowhere to go, seeing as she had burnt all bridges between her and her parents. They wanted nothing more to do with their daughter, even knowing she was pregnant.
John decided to discuss the situation he has found himself in with his father. And as in the past, he pretty much knew what his father would say. But the possibility of John becoming a father clouded his ability to see the bigger picture. He spent more and more time with Karen. The more time he spent, the more sure he could be the father and magically, his life would be wonderful again.
Johns’ father strongly suggested that John have as little contact with Karen as possible until he knew for sure whether or not he was the father. He said the more contact he had, the more he would be sucked into her situation. He said the very first thing John should do is request a paternity test, which John and Karen did agree to.
During the 10 day waiting period for the results of the test, Johns father did his best to advise John of the consequences should John continue seeing Karen. Emotionally and legally. It was too late, John had already made up his mind and decided to be with Karen and it no longer mattered whether he was the father or not. He would move out of his fathers’ house and get an apartment for the soon to be, 3 of them. And in Johns’ mind – live happily ever after.
Karen had changed. She was now the kind of woman John wanted in his life. She no longer drank and was more attentive to what John wanted in a relationship.
10 days later – the results were in.
John was not the father of Karen’s [yet to be born] child.
Johns’ father desperately tried to reason with his son. He tried to show him the huge mistake John was about to make. A mistake that he will have to pay for, for the next 20 years of his life. No more school, no more degree, no more career. Just a job making just enough to get by (as long as nothing goes wrong.)
If his car breaks down – he’s screwed. He loses his job – he’s REALLY screwed. Should the child become ill – screwed again. Seeing as the child is not his – he has no way of knowing if there will be any hereditary problems that might arise that he will now be responsible for. And for some unknown reason, he’s ok with that.
His father suggested that Karen should consider putting the child up for open adoption and by doing so, not only would the child have a better life with responsible parents but she could visit the child often and watch her grow up. Neither John nor Karen had any business trying to support and raise a child. John had never lived on his own and both he and Karen were not (in Johns’ fathers opinion, emotionally prepared to handle taking care of a newborn and the responsibilities that go with it.)
But, after all that – John firmly believes that his new found relationship with Karen will last forever. When just 4 months earlier, they both were having sex with other people.
Ironically – the one question John did answer was….. “If Karen had called you and everything was exactly the same except she told you that you were NOT the father, would you be doing all this?”
His answer? No. (Go figure)
But – remember – Karen has changed.
Johns father responded, “Of course she has! She has no other options!” If it weren’t for you doing what you’re about to do – she’d be pregnant and homeless. And for that alone – she’d do just about anything. She hasn’t changed because she wanted to – she’s changed because she has no other choice!” And yet again – warning him of the financial and legal consequences that will result from the decision he’s making. A decision like this, you can’t walk away from.
This will be a bullet impossible to dodge.
But John has no desire to hear any of it. Even when asked all the “What will you do if’ questions, John saw no need to answer other than – “That won’t happen.”
How will this story end?
I can’t say for sure because this is all the info I have received from John’s father. However – I would imagine that most any rational human being knows how this story will end. Do miracles happen? Sure! There is a very slight chance this will be a “and they lived happily ever after” story. But I wouldn’t bet on it…. would you? Better question should be – would you bet your future?
As you can see – from the very beginning of this story – John is a rescuer.
There are obvious patterns. Both women were from dysfunctional families, were attractive., needed help, cheated and betrayed his trust.
Is this story unique? No, stories like this are common. So why do certain men choose to basically give up their futures for a woman and relationship that has a 99.999999% chance of failing?
Three reasons.
1. Insecurity
2. Complete naivete
3. Control
We’ll take them one at a time.
1. Insecurity
Some guys believe there is no way they would ever have such an attractive young woman be with them. How many guys remain in miserable relationships for the sole reason being…. She’s HOT! More than you think! And for that reason alone, they put up with much more than the average man would if the woman was average also.
2. Complete naivete
Some guys are just idiots easily manipulated by women. Again, they feel fortunate to be in a relationship with an attractive woman and honestly believe they’ll never find anything better. Or perhaps they feel they don’t deserve anything better (which would go back to insecurity)
3. Control
I’d say it’s a toss-up between 1 and 3 which is the most common. This type of man rescues women because it gives them the upper hand in the relationship. The woman has no other options other than to become more of what the man wants from her in a relationship – even though it is not in her nature to. But she’s willing to fake it for the time being. Again – she has no choice.
John believes that by rescuing Karen out of the mess SHE has gotten herself into – Karen will FINALLY become the woman John always wanted her to be. Loving, caring, attentive and a real partner in life. And John’s willing to bet his future on that happening.
The Basket of Fish says….. when it comes to rescuing women (or men for that matter) to the point where by doing so, changes your life? Don’t do it! Or at the very least……. (on second thought, just don’t do it.) Unless you have a few million in the bank and can afford the price. Remember – there WILL come a time when they no longer need a rescuer.The day that happens is the day your entire reason for rescuing means nothing. Reality has re-entered your life. They’ll say “Thanks” and move on, leaving you with the consequences you were sure would never happen. You deserve better.
The rescuer (99% of the time) is nothing more than a do’able fix to a temporary crisis the “rescue’e” is going through. What’s even worse, is when everything begins falling apart, the Rescuer turns into the Victim because he’ll blame all his misfortune on everyone but himself.
And never forget——
99% of Everything that happens in your life is YOUR responsibility.
You either created it – or allowed it to happen..
