Relationships aren’t easy. I’ve received many emails about ending a relationship, so instead of treating it like a question you would find on “Ask the Fish”, I decided to write an article on the topic.
Where to begin, huh? We could go in 1000 completely different directions and still wind up with the same conclusion. The relationship is over.
Beginning at the end.
It’s time, that dreaded (or joyous) moment is finally at hand. You’ve had enough, you’ve tried everything but to no avail and you’ve been miserable long enough. Perhaps he (or she) is also but has made no attempt at resolving the issues which have or already has killed your relationship. Life is WAY to short to be so unhappy. What happens next? What to do…. what to do. And how to do it!
Keep reading…..
Why do relationships end?
The 64 thousand dollar question! And here is where I could make you read and read and read until I finally hit on your particular reason, just so you can say “A-HA! See? I was right! My reason is in his article!”
But, I’m not going to make you do that, because you can list 1000 different reasons – either reasonable or unreasonable – and you’d still have only one that strikes at the true nature of why the relationship is about to end. And that one reason is – Drum roll please – because one, or both of you failed to live up to the others’ – or each others expectations of what you – or both of you want in your relationship.
See? It actually IS that simple. That’s the bottom line, because that is what relationships are! We define them first, by what we as individuals expect in a relationship and second by what we offer to another in a relationship as defined by what he or she expects. And third, by what we contribute to the relationship as a whole.
That being said, defining what those expectations are is a completely different animal because only you can define them! Not me.
“He didn’t do this!”
“She didn’t do that!”
or
“He or she betrayed me”
At this stage of the relationship, does it really matter what the reason was for every little thing that added to it’s downfall?
Nope! Again, bottom line is those all important expectations.
It’s OVER! Well? Isn’t it?
I’m done! I’m through! I don’t want to play any longer! No more 2nd chances! I’m tired of playing the fool! (And the worst?) My friends were RIGHT about YOU!
But wait a second.
Have you really thought this through?
What happens afterwards?
What comes next?
So, What can I expect? (Good question, because now your about to enter the relationship Twilight Zone. (We’ll get to that later)
When you are ready to end a relationship, there are either 1000 feelings coursing through your mind, or simply one of pure joy for finally ending it. It’s usually one or the other. Not too much middle ground when it comes to actually ending it. You’ve thought about it, you know it’s going to happen any day now. All you’re looking for is the right time or that final straw that breaks the camels back so you can say “It’s over.”
So let’s explore this by taking each group separately. Shall we? And we’ll see where you fit into the mix.
First, we have the group that is perpetually unsure. The relationship is over to the point where it has become toxic but they remain in it. To them, they feel it’s better to remain in a bad relationship because at the very least, they know what to expect – than it would to be alone and not knowing anything. I find it incredible that men and women remain in relationships for this particular reason. But they do, and it’s very common.
Second, we have the group that weighs everything out. The “Pros” and “Cons.” The consequences – intended or unintended – of ending the relationship. Possible “blowback” because interestingly enough, you have absolutely no idea what he or she will be like after you end it.
Funny… when you think about it. You know what they were like when you met them. Had a pretty good idea what they’d be like while getting to know them. You had a REALLY good idea what they’d be like when you both fell in love with each other and decided to begin a serious relationship. BUT! You have absolutely NO idea what they will be like when you dump them. Scary thought! While most seem to take the transition fairly well, others will make it their life’s mission to constantly make your life a living hell as retribution.
What’s the old saying? Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Well, these days, you can add men to that as well. There’s another more recent saying also. “We never marry Assholes, we just divorce them”
Here are some other common pros and cons that men and women use when deciding to end a relationship once and for all. In no particular order and in no particular gender.
1. I don’t know when I’ll get laid again.
2. I’ll have to go through the hassle of finding a room mate.
3. It’s a real pain in the ass starting over.
4. I’m not getting any younger.
5. I have kids.
6. At least the sex is good!
7. I’ll have to hire a handyman!
8. The legal hassles.
9. Alimony.
And last, but by no means least…..
10. I’ll be alone.
There are more I assure you, but you get the point. Many men and women struggle with pros and cons when deciding to end a relationship to the point that this process can take years. And sometimes the two remain together for the sole reason that it’s just too much trouble to start over. And a dysfunctional relationship is – to them – better than no relationship at all.
I Just want OUT of this relationship!
This is the third group. They just want out. They don’t care about anything else. Most try to make the process as quick and painless as possible. In many cases it’s what both want, which makes the process ever easier. But the bottom line for this group is…
“Hasta La Vista Baby! PARTYTIME!!”
However, in most relationships which end, generally speaking, even though both may want it to end and both know deep down in their hearts that the relationship is over, there is always one of the two that wants it ended more than the other. In other instances, both want to end it but simply don’t want to be the one who actually ends it. Which brings us to the next section.
Someone has to be the bad guy.
To Dump or Be Dumped. THAT… is the question.
Unless you’re one of the fortunate few (I know, strange instance to be using the word “fortunate”) where the split is desired equally by both involved, therefore making it quick and amicable, then this is the question.
No one, well…. unless you actually receive pleasure by causing emotional stress or heartbreak with someone you used to be in love with, no one enjoys being the one to break the news that he or she no longer wants the other in their lives. It’s a VERY difficult thing to do. Especially – as mentioned earlier – if the other really doesn’t want the relationship to end.
But, sometimes there are no other options.
Is there a best way to end a relationship?
No, but there are ways to end a relationship which are better than others.
Here are just a few – again – in no particular order.
The Cowards Way
While I call this way of ending a relationship “The Cowards Way”, believe it or not, it seems to be the easiest way for the one who wants to end the relationship. What they do – basically – is intentionally do something to make the other end it for them. They’ll cheat on the other making sure they’ll get caught. They’ll start pushing all the right buttons to the point where the other wants to end it. In essence, forcing the other to be the bad guy.
Waiting for the Last Straw
This way is for that individual who can’t just be honest, sit down and share their desire to end the relationship. They need something to happen. An event. Anything. That one last quarrel where instead of making up, or simply sweeping it under the carpet, they end the relationship. If you’ve ever been in a relationship where it ended for seemingly some silly little argument and you think that was the reason? Think again. All that was was the other using that as an opportunity to dump you, which he or she has been wanting to do for some time.
Dear John
Ahhhh, the Dear John letter. For centuries, probably the most preferred method of dumping someone. And let’s not forget Dear Jane. In these times, I believe the Dear Jane Letter shares equal billing. Most people, at one time or another have either written or received one of these letters.
The advantages of this method are:
1. No initial confrontation.
2. Usually well thought out.
Time to reflect. Meaning, the writer has time to chose their words in a calm manner and the reader has the time to let what has been read to sink in. Requiring no immediate reaction. It’s like you have an automatic cooling down period before seeing each other. (If you ever do see each other again.)
That being said, I’m certain that some have written some pretty interesting Dear John/Jane letters. Instead of calm, collected, well chosen words, they pour out their feelings with hate and disdain. Doing their utmost to make sure that emotional knife sinks in as deep as possible. Conveying in words what they have been longing to say for probably a very long time.
Personally, I do not recommend this kind of Dear John/Jane letter. Remember, as far as you’re concerned the relationship is over. The past is now the past and all you want is out in the the quickest and most pain-free way possible. For BOTH of you. The last thing you want to do is make matters worse by digging into the other. You write a hateful Dear John/Jane letter… you do so at your peril. This is NOT the time to be mean or cruel.
Should you do decide to go with this method, make it short (but not too short) and to the point. You do not need to write a dissertation on why the relationship failed. But at the same time, you don’t want to write “It’s over, Goodbye” either. Not too emotional but not like it was written by an unfeeling robot.
Think of it as you would a letter of resignation. Because that’s actually what you’re doing. You are resigning your position as lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife or husband.
We need to talk about something.
Whether that talk is positive or negative, those 6 words are right up there at the top of the most feared words by man. Especially if that “talk” was intended to take place at another time.
Ladies, do NOT say these words to a man unless you’re ready to have that talk right there and then. When it comes to news, personal or otherwise, men do NOT like to wait for it. Because they already know that you already know what you are going to tell them. To a man, making him wait is cruel and unusual punishment. If you are going to use those words, be prepared to have that talk right after you say them.
And as in the letter, try to be polite, not overly emotional and try not to get into reasons. Remember, you want out of the relationship, you’re not having this conversation to try and fix it or save it or fight about it. So no speeches, no arguments and above all, no finger pointing.
Violent and/or Abusive Relationships
I would be remiss if I didn’t comment to those who find themselves in these types of relationships. There is professional help out there through Hotlines and Shelters. Either online or local. Do yourself a favor and seek out these valuable and readily available resources and find out what is best for you and the circumstances you are in.
The Relationship Twilight Zone
As mentioned above – The Relationship Twilight Zone – I think we’ll break this article in two parts. Seeing as you enter this last and final part of your relationship after the hammer has fallen.
For now, suffice to say that ending any relationship is not the most fun thing to do. As in many relationships, it is never equal. Someone loves more than the other, someone is more sensitive and even when it ends amicably, usually one or the other wants it ended more. And usually one is more relieved that it’s finally over than the other.
In most circumstances, it’s not so much that the relationship failed than it is the loss of the other who was part of it. That’s why in many cases, usually the man, especially if he was the dump’ee, will – against his better judgement – will want to give the relationship one more chance. Some will even beg for it. Even though he knows it will not work, he’ll give it another try and it has absolutely nothing to do with the relationship, but everything to do with winning and losing. Hence the saying, “I lost her, but I won her back”. (At least for a little while.)
Remember, when it comes to relationships, there are only two decisions you make solely on your own. The first is when and who to enter into the relationship. And when to end it. And in some instances, you don’t get to make that decision, however the ability still exists.
Choose wisely, and do what’s best for you.
