Before we can discuss the topic of Romance, we first have to make sure we understand what it means. Ask 10 women to define “Romance” and you’ll probably get at least 15 completely different definitions. Interestingly enough, there are more than one. None of which (in the literal sense) are particularly flattering when you stop and think about it.

According to Merriam-Webster

romance noun (1)
1a(1) : a medieval tale based on legend, chivalric love and adventure, or the supernatural
(2) : a prose narrative treating imaginary characters involved in events remote in time or place and usually heroic, adventurous, or mysterious
(3) : a love story especially in the form of a novel
b : a class of such literature
2 : something (such as an extravagant story or account) that lacks basis in fact
3 : an emotional attraction or aura belonging to an especially heroic era, adventure, or activity
4 : love affair
5 capitalized : the Romance languages

romance verb
romanced; romancing
Definition of romance (Entry 2 of 4)

intransitive verb
1 : to exaggerate or invent detail or incident
2 : to entertain romantic thoughts or ideas

transitive verb
1 : to try to influence or curry favor with especially by lavishing personal attention, gifts, or flattery
2 : to carry on a love affair with

romance noun (2)
Definition of romance (Entry 3 of 4)
: a short instrumental piece in ballad style

Romance adjective
Definition of Romance (Entry 4 of 4)
: of, relating to, or being any of the languages developed from Latin (such as Italian, French, and Spanish)

Interesting, isn’t it? All these definitions have a few things in common. They seem to be based on fiction, embellishment and the old “ends justify the means” ploy. Although I will admit, men use Romance to evoke a positive response for an eventual outcome. Meaning – sex.

The Basket of Fish definition:

romance: the act – through word or deed – of focusing ones attention on a particular individual to convey feelings of attraction, desire, affection and/or love.

What is your definition? The ONLY one your definition of romance should matter to is your significant other. So, if he or she doesn’t know, you might want to tell them.

OK, now that we have that out of the way – let’s move on.

How it used to be.

Or— how we THOUGHT it used to be.

Ask your Parents – or Grand Parents to describe their view of Romance and you may be in for a shock. They’ll reminisce with a smile on their face of a time long past while fondly bringing up names like Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Nat King Cole, Johnny Mathis, Sammy Davis Jr and Bing Crosby, just to name a few or a favorite movie or three. But the one thing they will all say with a nostalgic sigh is… “Those were the days.”

Above all that, will be their personal stories. Make sure you hear them before it’s too late. You’ll be amazed.

Back then, romance was real, it was tangible. The “idea” or “perception” of romance was easily defined. It was a part of “courtship.” Remember that word? No? Google it.

How it is now.

Or— how it seems to be.

I believe, or would like to believe that idea of romance is still alive in the hearts and minds of women today. That goes for men also, but I feel that with the advent of social media (among other reasons) romance for men has evolved into not much more than a tool (as refereed to by Merriam-Webster) to be used to entice the individual of his desire into bed. Which begs the following question. Exactly what does the idea of romance mean to young men and women these days? Obviously, not what it used to mean.

Our opinions – or – ideals we’ve incorporated in – and throughout our lives – are influenced and shaped by 4 things.
1.  What we see.
2.  What we read.
3.  What we hear.
4.  Personal experience.

And the three most significant events which have had a major role in reshaping our beliefs and opinions on romance have been:
1.  The Feminist movement
2.  The internet
3.  The Smart Phone

Feminism and the Slow Death of Romance

The feminist movement has played a huge role in the decline of romance.

Right, wrong or indifferent. Before feminism gripped the US. Men and women had defined roles they played in society. We learned these roles from our parents. Men were supposed to be polite, courteous, we held the door open for women as they entered or exited a building and most importantly, men were chivalrous.

Back then, women were “The fairer sex” and were treated accordingly. There was no such thing as “toxic masculinity.” If there were – it was relegated to “The Bad Boys.” Which many women – dare I say – found attractive and appealing. Most who went after the bad boys did so as a challenge to see if they could prevail in changing them where previous girlfriends had failed.

Back then people went on dates, they didn’t just hang out as part of a group. Men didn’t mind placing women on a pedestal [to some degree] and women allowed this to happen because it not only made them feel wonderful, but gave them the time and opportunity to get to know the guy and determine his intentions.

Back then, women didn’t mind saying “Yes” when asked to dance by someone they didn’t know at a club or party. They didn’t worry about men trying to force themselves upon them after the dance was over. Men took “No” for an answer. For the most part, it was the woman who made the decision as to how close the man could get, no mater how much he tried to convince her. Men not only knew this, they did abide by it.

Women knew a double standard existed when it came to men, sex and relationships and they were out to change that. What was good for the goose was good for the gander.

One of the many reasons which led to the advent of feminism, in my opinion was that men became complacent. They shirked there roles in the romance department because they felt they no longer needed to and women became bored with their relationships. They needed more than just being a wife, lover and homemaker. And if that’s all one can look forward to, who can blame them?

The more women became self-reliant, the less they felt the urgency or need to find a man who could support them. There was a whole world out there to explore and women felt they were missing out on the adventure.

Women wanted to be more like men. To have the freedoms they felt men already had.Feminism was the permission slip they were waiting for. Add the invention of the birth control pill and that changed the entire game.

Women were burning their bras, having sex with anyone at anytime they desired without fear of ridicule or as they say today… “slut shaming.” The growing perception of femininity was that of weakness and subservience. Women knew a double standard existed when it came to men, sex and relationships and they were out to change that. What was good for the goose was good for the gander. Men never got the memo. Men were still being taught the old ways on how women should be treated. (Unless of course you were one of the “Bad Boys.”)

Women demanded their freedom to do as they pleased without consequence. Men finally did get the memo and their response was,

“be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.”

Women got what they wanted and men no longer cared. Men began to see women in a different light. Romance was put on the back burner. In fact, with this new found feminine machismo, committed relationships themselves were no longer that important. Reason being that women came to the conclusion, at the first sign of difficulty within a relationship, they could just walk away knowing there was always another man right behind him who would gladly step in.

Hence the new terms…. One night stand, Bed buddy, No strings attached, short term relationships and more importantly, the PRENUP. Women had sex when they wanted, men had sex when they could. Everything was equal. Women still enjoyed some romance but it became plastic. More like – going through the motions. A means to an end. Romance had no real meaning any longer and women seemed to be ok with that, just as long as the attempt was made.

The result of feminism was…
Men now used women’s desire for romance and love to get sex and women now used men’s desire for sex to get romance and love. The only true part about this statement is, men and women were being used.

While I’ll be the first to admit some aspects of feminism were positive. Others were incredibly negative which I feel played – and still does play a role in the major rise of divorce, single motherhood and juvenile delinquency. Just to name a few.

Now, you have to keep in mind that feminism was brought about by women. Started by women and continued by women. It doesn’t really matter what men think of it because at the end of the day – women still make the choice. Men are simply along for the ride.

The Internet

At first, the internet was a way of providing information to the masses. It was text driven. Forums were everywhere and on just about any topic. Even dating. There were no such thing as “chat” back then. You had to take someones word for it when they described themselves or photos were mailed to each other. Until a mutual decision to meet in person was made, it was all basically words on the screen by faceless individuals. Believed wholeheartedly by some and others taken with a skeptical grain of salt. When a meeting did take place, 9 times out of 10, they never turned out to be as they described themselves. It became a numbers game.

It wasn’t until the miracles of digital audio and video did the entire landscape of the internet change. Dating websites popped up. Dial up providers such as AOL and Prodigy gave users a chance to meet and talk (type) with each other in real time. We call that texting now. Exchanging photos back then was still difficult because you had to have yours scanned in order to send them via email. Scanners were pretty expensive so honesty was still relied on.

Romance made a slight comeback during these times because we only had our words to make an impression. Again, more as a tool for sex. Nothing had to be local any longer. The world was your oyster and the competition for attention from women was staggering. Remember, there was always a man right behind any man waiting to take his place. If women grew tired of someone – they simply clicked on the ignore button. Next!? Now serving number 43! Check your tickets! It actually was— and still is— that easy.

Then porn made an appearance. Before the internet, it was considered a miracle for an adolescent male to have the chance and pleasure of viewing the female body. His first “Girly Magazine” was considered a gift from the Gods. It may have only been breasts but it was worth it! Before that, all he had was the bra and panty section of the Sears and J C Penny catalogs.

The internet changed all that. The mystery was gone forever. In fact the mystery of anything having anything to do with women, men and sex was gone forever. Porn was not only everywhere, but it free. Well, let’s say…. free enough. No more hiding magazines between the mattresses. They only concern now was being walked in on while the porn site was up on the computer screen.

Romance went back in the closet again because the growing prevalence of porn gave young men the impression that sex – strictly for pleasure – was pretty much all women wanted. We now entered the Age of the Hook-up.

The Smart Phone

The invention of the smart phone just made everything easier. The porn was still there, still free and could be accessed by just about anyone. Dating apps became as simple as either swiping left or right. The Hook-up was nothing more than satisfying the occasion urge for sex. Romance now had nothing to do with it. Relationships were too much work. Expectations had to be fulfilled. At the first sign of trouble, it was easier to simply walk away and choose yet again from the ever growing pool of more than willing men and women to be next, than try to work things out.

Men and women talk online for a few days – they meet – have sex – and continue doing so just as long as it’s mutually beneficial. No one really cared that much if it ended because the new belief was that nothing lasts forever and it’s always best to keep ones’ options open. Plenty of fish in the sea… right? Nothing like a smart phone in your back pocket to accomplish this.

But heed this warning……

The Carrot Theory

The carrot theory. You’re thinking…. “What the hell is that and how does it pertain to romance and relationships between men and women??”
I’ll tell you….

You’ve seen cartoons I’m sure – you know, the donkey with the carrot dangling in front of him? That wonderful, tasty, juicy carrot? It’s so close he can taste it, but just far enough away that keeps him walking and working that treadmill.

Well? Between the ages of 18 and ohhhh…. let’s say for the sake of argument…. 32. (Could be a little higher depending on the woman and her carrot,) women have the carrot.

After that, men get the carrot. We didn’t have it before because there were more of us trying to get yours, than there were of you trying to get ours. But now that we have the carrot, it’s our turn. And we get to keep the carrot pretty much for the rest of our lives. Or until it’s thrown away.

Still don’t know what the carrot is? Really?

A woman’s carrot is her youth, looks, energy, vitality, openness, sense of adventure, sexual and sensual nature.

Now I realize that there is MUCH more to a woman than just that, and they better have much more than that going for them or that carrot will last for only as long as it takes to be eaten. But, we’re just talking about the carrot. That which initially attracts a man to a woman.

Remember ladies, for every year you have that carrot, there is a brand new crop of 18 year old women who also have that carrot. And their carrot is newer than yours. So don’t wait too long to find that one and only man who can fill your heart with joy.

What is a man’s carrot? Nooooooooooo… NOT THAT! Geez!

A man’s carrot is his looks (if he’s taken care of himself), his age, education, professional status, wisdom, experience, security, confidence and romantic nature, creativeness and charm.

Again, like the woman, he better have a lot more going for him than just that but, that is what will attract women to him. The difference is, unlike physical beauty, which tends to fade with age, men tend to grow in maturity, intelligence, power and prestige over their lifetime which women find attractive. Therefore – the mans’ carrot lasts longer.

So ladies, when you have that carrot, use it wisely!

Does Romance Play a Role in Society Today?

Only on Valentines Day. But seriously, from the way it looks, it sure doesn’t seem like it. At least not in the way I define the word. In Society today, the US has become so unbelievably divided and broken down into niches and even sub-niches in the way we think, I don’t know if the term “Society as a whole” even exists any longer, (unless you’re referencing questions like “Is the sky blue.”)

When it comes to romance, we do it all backwards. Instead of using romance as a means to an end, we should be using it in the way I (humbly) suggest.

The act— through word or deed of focusing ones attention on a particular individual to convey feelings of attraction, desire, affection and/or love.

The only way you can do this is through knowing the person first and determine whether or not they are worthy of romance. I can assure you, the day you believe they are, they will value it more because they’ll know it’s genuine and from someone they truly want it from.

But remember this, romance is a two way street. Men enjoy romance just as much as women. Keep this mind or the only time you’ll see romance WILL be on Valentines Day. Not because they want to, but because men are guilt-ed into it.