Question:
I’ve been seeing this woman for about 8 months now.
We both agreed in the beginning that our relationship would be one with no strings attached. Either of us could leave at any time. In this last month, I realize that I am completely in love with her. I’m afraid if I tell her, she will leave me.
HELP!
Response:
Thanks for your question. Yep! You’re definitely in a pickle!
Reminds me of an old joke. Well, not so much a joke but a humorous statement.
I don’t remember who said it but it was regarding “Bed Buddies, you know, the kind of relationship where, when you both wake up the next morning, you don’t act like you owe each other money.”
The trouble is, eventually…. someone gets out of bed with feelings.
I have to smile when I hear about relationships like these.
There is no such thing as a “no strings” relationship because the “no stings” – is in fact – a string!
Many people enter into these kinds of relationships because they feel that by making these agreements in the beginning, when one of the two does end it, it’s much less painful emotionally. Each of you already knew right from the start what you were getting yourselves into.
Do these kinds of relationships work?
Sometimes they do, believe it or not. Reason being, most of them find someone else and end the bed buddy relationship BEFORE serious feelings from one of the two develop. It goes into the category of: It was good while it lasted.
On top of which, these (so called) “no strings” relationships can – and usually do – have many stings. The main one being is whether or not you can have sex with others while you are in this relationship. That can be a scary string!
There are many other factors which determine the outcome of a no strings relationship. It’s subjective and really depends on the agreement (or strings) each involved place on it.
Many do not take the time to actually “define” their no stings relationship.
Like I said, even no strings have strings. And because of that, eventually, some of those strings break, or – in your case – you want to change the rules.
Now, what should you do……
As I don’t know exactly how you both defined your no strings relationship, you may want to consider this first.
Sometimes, one of the two agrees to this kind of relationship secretly hoping the other will eventually want more. So, until that time comes (hopefully), they take what they can get because getting part of what they want from a relationship is better than no relationship at all.
She may fall into this category. If that’s the case, then this is a good thing.
Either way you are taking a chance.
You have two choices.
1. Leave it the way it is and gradually show your feelings for her have grown deeper and just pray she feels the same.
The risk you take going this route is that if it makes no difference with her, it will drive you crazy. Your frustration and impatience will eventually get the better of you and you’ll say something really stupid causing the relationship to end horribly.
If you do decide to go this route, the KEYWORD here is GRADUALLY. Do not do anything abruptly or something completely out of the ordianry. It will backfire on you if you do.
Your second choice – and the one I HIGHLY recommend – is that you invite her over to your place. Don’t take her to lunch or dinner. This is a private matter and you don’t want it to take place in a public setting.
Invite her to sit down and tell her exactly how you feel. Be completely honest with her.
Tell her that even though you had both agreed to this no strings relationship in the beginning, that you have fallen in love with her and while at the time of the agreement you had no intention of this happening, it happened.
If you find this too difficult to express verbally, then write her a letter, hand it to her and have her read it in your presence. It’s better if you hand write it. It’s MUCH more personal. Typing it would be like handing her a report.
However you decide to do this, DO NOT… I repeat… DO NOT try to convince her of anything. Do NOT try to “sell” yourself.
Just be completely honest and tell her what you feel. Believe me, no matter what she decides to do, she will appreciate your honesty.
Now, if you truly do love this woman…. and you truly do want a real relationship instead of this “no strings” one you have, then you have to be willing to let her go if she doesn’t feel the same as you. You can’t have your cake and eat it too!
When you fall in love with someone….. it changes the game. Especially if you both agreed not to.
Going this route is best because you have three possible outcomes.
1. She may have the same feelings for you but wasn’t sure how to tell you… or was afraid she’d lose you if she did.
2. She is open to the possibility of a loving relationship with you. She may not be 100% sure that it will work but she’s willing to try instead of closing the door completely.
3. While she appreciates your honesty, she may be equally honest and tell you this is not something she ever wanted, and not something she ever agreed to. (Which is true)
And while this may break your heart and end your relationship, it’s a whole lot better than being in love with someone who doesn’t love you back. Because THAT is when things can turn ugly.
She’ll either give you an answer right away, or tell you she needs to think about it.
If she does say she needs to think about it, tell her you completely understand and that you will wait for her response and that you will not contact her until she does respond.
This is important….. DO NOT CALL HER and ask her what her answer is. Trust me, she knows she has to give you a response one way or the other.
If two weeks go by without a response, then write her a VERY polite email. Tell her you enjoyed your time together and while you wished it could have been more, it looks like that isn’t going to happen. But because you’re in love with her, you can’t go back to the bed buddy relationship.
Wish her all the best in her life and move on.
Just remember….
All relationships have strings. And guess what – no mater how you define a relationship – anyone can leave at any time.
