Full Disclosure
Is it better to keep certain personal things about yourself, to yourself?
Question:
I have always been a very honest person, usually to a fault, and this time I think I really screwed up. I let my insecurities get the better of me instead of looking on the bright side. Should I have been hopeful instead of sharing my worries with my partner? Part of me feels like that’s a lie of omission, but another part of me feels that great things come from staying positive.
Response:
GREAT question.
When we meet someone we’re interested in, at what point, during the process of getting to know each other do we reveal things about ourselves that could potentially scare the other person off?
Too early – and you scare them away. Too late – and they resent you for waiting so long to tell them.
The Quick Answer:
Timing is everything. Sometimes, [when] you tell someone can be more important than [what] you tell them.
In the beginning – VOLUNTEER NOTHING!
Now, please allow me to clarify that be saying, If we are actively seeking a loving relationship with a man or woman, and meet someone with potential – within 4 to eight weeks – of said meeting and getting to know each other, they (and you,) should be aware of each others bombshells. So, there you have it, you have 8 weeks to spill your guts! (kidding.)
What you don’t want to do is wait until the other is head over heels in love with you before you tell them you’re a wanted serial killer. (Again – Kidding….hopefully) It’s not fair to them and you certainly wouldn’t want that either. And they will end up resenting you for it. It’s the old “If I only knew then, what I know now” dilemma. So, not a good idea.
One persons’ bombshell could be another persons’ non-issue.
For the most part – you’ll figure this out through the course of everyday conversation during this getting to know each other phase. This is a great time to reveal certain things about yourself when you realize it’s not an issue with him. When you start hearing [or saying]… Mind if I ask you a person question? This is when you know – he wants answers to questions which for him, are possible deal breakers. This is also the time when”personal questions” can lead to bombshell answers. It’s at this time, you have to start thinking about how “personal” you want to get with this individual.
If he starts asking personal questions right away, then you need to know that these are his “deal breaker” questions he wants answers to as soon as possible. Not a bad thing when you think about it (depending on the question,) he just doesn’t want to waste his or your time.
The questions we ask,
can sometimes be as revealing as the answers.
It never fails – we get asked a question and we begin to feel our heart racing. We know it’s that dreaded question. The one where – should we answer it the wrong way (meaning the wrong way in his mind,) – could be a deal breaker, and the next thing you know, he’s making excuses for not seeing or talking with you as often as he used to. Again, not a bad thing. He just saved you a lot of time.
But, you really like this guy so these kinds of questions are like walking on hot coals. At the same time – his questions could open up a topic of discussion which is equally important to you. Remember, personal questions – no matter who asks them, are always answered by both. Just depends on who goes first. So when asked a question you feel could lead to a bombshell answer, you could always get his take on it first before answering.
Nine times out of ten – when someone asks you a personal question, it means he has something to reveal also. If it’s important enough for him to ask – then it should be equally important for him to answer. Well all have bombshells we are hesitant to reveal. And for as many personal questions he may have – you need to ask yours as well.
The long version:
The question is actually so subjective it can make ones’ head spin thinking of all the scenarios so, let’s just go with the most important.
When we meet someone we’re interested in, we do our utmost to paint the best picture we can of ourselves. However, we are all human, we have all made mistakes in our past, we have all learned from them and probably paid a price for doing so. There are some that we have no control over. Most are inconsequential and simply a part of becoming an adult. Lessons of life so to speak. Others can have significant ramifications so we have to decide whether or not it’s important to reveal certain things about ourselves even though we’d rather not.
What they don’t know won’t hurt them.
There’s a lot of truth to this statement. Trouble is, eventually and in many instances, the truth has a [funny – and not so funny} way of coming out. Especially when we least expect it which can sometimes make matters worse. So before you drop the proverbial “Bombshell” on your unsuspecting other – best to consider this before doing so.
So, what exactly is a Bombshell?
Answer: A revelation that could change the course of a desired outcome. Something that could affect the future of a potential relationship.
A few examples are:
1. Medical condition.
a. Can’t have kids
b. A serious or possible terminal illness.
c. ST D’s
d. Mental illness.
2. Your past.
a. Stalker ex-boyfriend who believes if he can’t have you, nobody can.
b. Crazy ex husband or boyfriend who wants to make it his goal in life to make you as miserable as he can.
c. You have 60K in student loan debt.
d. You used to be a man.
3 You’re present.
a. Alcoholic or substance abuser
b. Political affiliation (Believe it or not)
c. You’re a political activist.
d. You hate sex.
e. You have no desire to have children.
These are just a few examples of what could be considered bombshells. Suffice to say that pretty much any “Deal Breaker” question has the potential of becoming a bombshell. Always tell the truth in these instances. IF you don’t, then you’ll only be hurting yourself because when the truth does come out (and it eventually will,) you can kiss the relationship Good-bye.
Should you ever lie?
Sure! I know… I know. Go ahead…. SHOOT me now. But there are times when there is absolutely no reason for anyone to know a particular truth about you. Almost always – if we lie, we lie about things having to do with our past. Parts of which have no bearing on who we are today. The most common question women are asked by men is…
How many guys have you had sex with?
IF you’re 24 and the answer is more than 10? LIE!
IF this guy turns out to be your soulmate then you telling him the truth about how many men you’ve had sex with never helps. But, if you refuse to answer or say it’s none of his business, or if you do answer and he believe this is way too many, he’ll see it as a red flag. So…. as much as I hate to say it…. lie. That being said – If he were to ask….
Have you ever been unfaithful with an Ex?
ALWAYS tell the truth.
Honesty really is the best policy 99.9% of the time so try to be honest. But, if you can say with 100% certainty that if asked a personal question where the answer to said question has no bearing or affect on who you are as a person today and what you’re looking for in another regarding a loving relationship, but because certain things in your past could cast a negative light in his opinion of you now, then this is a perfect example of.. “What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”
Timing is Everything.
Is there ever a good time to deal with a touchy subject? Probably not, but some times are better than others.
Here’s a good timeline to consider.
Weeks one and two:
You’re getting to know each other during fun dates. Through the course of movies, dining out and generally having fun together, we put our best foot forward. Nothing but the good stuff and definitely nothing too serious. A little intimacy but again, nothing too serious.
Weeks three and four:
Still at the fun and “new” stage. Nothing too serious because if the man is still interested by now, the main thing on his mind is getting you into bed. Read The Four Steps of Man for a better idea.
However, if intimacy or sex has taken place, that is when you begin taking everything more seriously. Whether you’ve had sex or not, this is also the time you’ll notice more and more personal questions being asked by him, and by you also.
Weeks five through eight:
This is usually decision time for, at the very least, one of you. And the time when most important questions should already be asked and answered. You both should have a fairly clear picture of who you are and what you want from a relationship by now. If you don’t, now is the time to ask and if you haven’t been asked, now is the time to share. And that should go for the other person also.
If you fail to share what you know are things about yourself you feel he needs to know, the longer you wait, the more risk you take on his resenting you and the relationship falling apart. So, take a deep breath – bite the bullet – and tell him. You can only hope that he does the same with you in regards to any bombshells he may have.
If you haven’t had sex yet, then best to tell him first. Believe it or not – it’s actually easier to tell him beforehand than after. Because by then, he’ll know exactly what he’s getting himself into. Although as sad as this is to say, with many men – if he’s physically attracted to you, he’ll most likely wait until after he has sex with you for anything you say really sinks in. Again – 4 Steps of Man.
My personal opinion – get all those bombshells out of the way as soon as possible. Or as soon as you feel comfortable doing so. That way you can move on to bigger and better things rather than wondering about important unanswered questions. If you or the other decides you’re not for each other because of this knowledge, then look at the time you’ve saved – and the possible heartache.
