Question:
Hi, I’m a 25 year old woman living in Romania. My boyfriend , 25 also, and I were together for 5 years. I thought everything was fine between us. We had talked about marriage and when he asked me to marry him, of course I said YES!
Then one day, he told me he was breaking off the engagement and leaving. He never gave me a reason why, he just left. There were no word to describe my shock and surprise when he did this.
Three months later, I find out he’s with a new girl and the crazy part is, my friends who know her, tell me she is a co-worker of his and she’s just like me! I will add that he has never cheated on me in his life and I don’t think he did with this girl.
They are married now for 8 months.
My question is, why would he choose to throw away 5 years together, just to be with a girl who is just like me?
RESPONSE:
Hi, thanks for your question, and I appreciate you giving me a little background for it makes answering a little easier.
The absolute truth is, the only way you’ll ever find the real answer to your question is to ask him yourself. However, seeing at that will probably never happen, I will offer the following.
Based on the background you’ve given me, there are some aspects which one could consider.
First, you both began your committed relationship when you were 20 years old. Which means I would guess you met each other at 19, or perhaps even younger.
Probable explanation:
While to some, what matters more is the length of time you were together, the ability to solve problems which all us experience during the course of a relationship and to fulfill each others expectations, to others, they may feel like they began at such a young age that they’ve deprived themselves the opportunity to experience other possibilities. They may feel as if they are missing out on something which could be better.
I’m certain there may have been other factors for his decision to break off the engagement, but I feel the main reason is that he didn’t want to take the chance on remaining in a relationship and future marriage (for the rest of his life) with a woman he has been involved with since before he became an adult. No matter how good that relationship was.
What makes me believe this is what happened next. Out of all the women he decides to begin a new relationship with, he chooses a woman who is a carbon copy of you. If your relationship with him was a horrible one, trust me, his next choice would have been completely different.
Now, before I go any further, we need to clarify something.
When you said she was “just like you” what you mean by that is you both may be similar in appearance and mannerisms. That tells me that “you” and “your role” in the relationship you had with this man was not the main reason for him leaving you. He’s 25 now, a little older and this other woman is basically a new version of you. The difference is…. she’s not you.
You made the point of saying he never cheated on you. And while that may be true sexually speaking, it may not be true emotionally. She was a co-worker and saw him for 8 hours a day, five days a week so I have a strong feeling that their relationship grew to be more than simply a working relationship between two co-workers.
So, there you go…. that’s what I think was the reason why he decided to throw away 5 years of what seems to me was a great relationship with you.
Reminds me of an old American saying. “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.”
At his age, his fear of losing the opportunity for a “possibility” made him lose sight of the “reality” that what he already had, is what everyone wants.
Now, we can go one step further. Just give me a second to put on my psychic robe and break out the crystal ball. (I’m kidding of course), but the consequence of his decision can be seen a mile away.
Again, based on what you’ve told me.
It is NEVER a good idea to jump into a new relationship right after ending one. Especially a five year relationship. Nine times out of ten, they don’t work out. You had five years together. During those five years, you’ve had problems within the relationship you had to solve together. And you did. He spends 3 months with the new girl and then marries her. [Note: His marrying her so quickly – in my opinion – is because she probably gave him an ultimatum. This is something SHE wanted and he was either going to marry her, or she was leaving.]
Believe me, they will have the same or similar problems – like we all do during the course of a relationship – which need to be solved as well. This is where the similarity between you both ends. Where you were able to solve them, he may not be able to with the new girl because they haven’t spent enough time together to acquire the skills needed to.
Because he feels he has a new version of you, he may expect to solve problems that arise in the same way you and he did. When he realizes this will not happen, he may start to consciously or subconsciously make verbal comparisons between you and her. Which will create even greater problems. The outcome of which will be, they realize the huge mistake they made and the marriage ends.
Conclusion:
Does this sort of thing happen?
Sure it does, usually between young men and women.
Do they usually end the same way?
Sure they do! (although there are exceptions to every rule)
Is there anything you could have done?
Probably not. Although the only mistake I can see you made is if you wanted a relationship that involved marriage and a family, 5 years is a long time to wait.
If you are in a relationship and make it known that your desire is marriage and a family, Two years is enough time for the other to decide whether or not this is something they want as well.
Will he eventually come to regret his decision?
Most likely.
Does that change anything?
No, but I hope this does give you a little closure.
So, what can we learn from this?
When it comes to relationships, there are certain aspects that are beyond our control. We can’t force someone to think, be, make decisions or act the way we would like them to. When someone decides to end a relationship, for any reason – right or wrong – what that means is your opinions and/or influence over his or her decisions no longer have value or importance. Most times (I hope), we end them for the right reasons. The trouble is, if we eventually decide that we were wrong, it’s usually too late to do anything about it. The damage has been done.
So, for the men and women reading this… listen up.
When you’re young…..
Love, is easy.
Sex, is easy.
Having fun, is easy.
Knowing who you are is difficult.
Knowing what you want in love, life, a relationship and your future is difficult.
Relationships, are difficult.
Knowing how to solve problems within a relationship is difficult.
Why? Because it’s no longer just about you.
Finding someone who you are able to do all the above, especially these days, is next to impossible. So if you are one of the VERY fortunate few who do find it, you better hold on tight. Celebrate what you have right in front of you instead of wondering about a possibility that may not even exist. It takes two people to fall in love and make the decision to be in a relationship. That mutual decision changes both of your lives. It takes only one person to end it, and that single decision still changes both of your lives.
There are only two things we, as individuals, have complete control over when it comes to relationships.
1. Whether or not we say yes or no to someone who asks us.
2. Whether or not we remain in the relationship.
What’s left is the hope we are wise enough to make the right decisions.
In both instances.
